How to Not Get a Job

Currently at work, I am wading through resumes to try and replace our irreplaceable colleague.  He has the nerve to leave us, and now we have the challenge of finding someone capable, who can put up with those of us he is leaving behind.   As sad as I am to see him go, I do enjoy the job of screening resumes.  There are some things I see that after making me laugh, make a resume get filed under "not a chance".
 
1.  Forget to use spell check.  Find it.  Use it.  If you don't, I will notice and my co-workers and I will laugh at you.
 
2.  Write:  "I pay great attention to detail", and have a glaringly obvious grammar mistake in the next sentence.  We notice.  We laugh.  We check your Facebook posts to see if your grammar is bad all the time.
 
3.  Put your name as J. Smith everywhere!  If I don't know your name, it's a little awkward to call you for an interview, so I probably just won't bother.
 
4.  Have an inappropriate e-mail address included.  You can easily get a free e-mail address, so perhaps do that, and keep the one with a suggestive number in it for other purposes?
 
5.  Not know what you are applying for.  A securities dealer is not looking for security guards. Reading the job description might help you out.

6.  During the interview mention how you're undecided which country you want to live in.  Maybe for a temp job this would be ok, but for a permanent position, it's a really bad idea.

7.  Do this!

I know the job market is tough.  I do not envy people job hunting.  But please, proofread, and have a friend proofread, and have a stranger on the street proofread.  If you do that, you will have better luck staying out of the "not a chance" pile.