I have been working for my current employer for about three years, and I have finally signed up to take a course she has been wanting me to. Thankfully she understands I have kids, and was kind enough not to push me. But, thanks to some nudging from my husband, I decided to just do it and get it done. So I am now signed up for the Canadian Securities Course (and no, I will not be a security guard after). It consists of two text books, two exams, and a year to complete. There is no class room, and no one to make sure I've done my homework. Unfortunately for me, I am not great at self-starting (or finishing - ask my husband how many years ago I started knitting his sweater). Really it's amazing anything ever gets started or finished in my life.
But I did start (and have thankfully passed the first exam).
I signed up, got the books, looked at the chapter headings and freaked out. Because honestly, with chapter headings like "Fixed Income Securities"; "Derivatives"; and "Segregated Funds", what other reaction is to be expected? I work in a financial business, but we don't deal with half this stuff, and if it's irrelevant to my work, and incredibly boring, I'm not very motivated to learn it. So I said to myself "suck it up Princess", and started reading.
So here is my step-by-step guide to studying for unmotivated procrastinators like myself.
1. Order Supplies (books, audio books, study notes, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol).
2. Book your exam.
3. Make a very detailed study calendar giving yourself four days to complete each chapter.
4. Study hard the first three days so you get ahead of schedule.
5. Celebrate your hard work by taking a week off.
6. Re-do your study calendar, giving yourself three days for each remaining chapter.
7. Study every day for a week.
8. Get sick for four days.
9. Re-do your study calendar, giving yourself two days for each remaining chapter.
10. Study every day for 10 days.
11. Attend an exam prep course.
12. Do a mock exam.
13. Assume you are about to fail.
14. Write first exam.
15. Find out you passed the exam.
16. Realize, "hey that wasn't so bad. I can do the second one no problem".
17. Make the keen observation that you work best under pressure.
18. Book exam for 2 1/2 months later
19. Take two weeks off before you start studying.
20. Repeat steps 3 to 6.
21. Take a month off.
20. Realize you have one month left before the exam.
21. Make a wreath with your kid.
22. Have a Walking Dead marathon.
23. Join a writer's group.
24. Start volunteering with your church again.
25. Realize you are completely crazy, and should maybe re-schedule your exam.
26. Realize that if you reschedule, you will just do the exact same ridiculous procrastination techniques as before.
27. Think to yourself, "just do it!"
28. Start studying tomorrow.
Monday 28 September 2015
Tuesday 22 September 2015
Things Kids Say
My kids are weird. It's not an opinion, it is a fact. Their weirdness frustrates me, amuses me, and confuses me all at the same time. I've been reflecting on some of the weird conversations we've had, and decided to compile them all in one place so it will be more convenient to embarrass them with when they are older. Isn't it nice how I plan ahead? And, I've even updated this!
Conversations with Paige
7 Years Old
This entire monologue.
Paige: "I just don't know how I would choose!"
Me: "I promise! Mommy and Daddy will never run for President at the same time."
Me: "Come on baby!"
Paige: "I'm not a baby!"
Me: "You were my baby, so you're always my baby."
Paige: "Well, I don't drink out of your boobs anymore!"
Paige: "I want to set-up a video camera in my room to see if the tooth fairy is real."
Me: "You cannot baptize your sister!"
Paige: "Ontario has lots of energy, so THAT's why I'm hyper!"
Paige: "Can we go walk around a graveyard and see if there are any dead people we know?"
Paige: "My mouth hurts. Is it bleeding?"
Me: "No blood. Why does it hurt?"
Paige: "Because I tied a string to my tooth and the bathroom door then kicked it."
Me: "We don't get permanent tattoos in a tent in a parking lot."
6 Years Old
Me: "Are you barking out the window?" (And yes, she and Elsie were barking out the window).
Paige: "Why did the banana want nipples?"
Me: "I don't know. Why?"
Paige: "Because it wanted to be a person."
Paige: "Santa must be a really good hunter because he doesn't talk much and has magic."
Me: "Stop moving the couch with your teeth!"
Me: "Everyone has nipples."
Paige: "Oh. Like my famous nipples?" (I still have no idea why she thinks her nipples are famous)
Paige: "When I have a baby, I want it to come out my bum because cuts aren't very nice!" (I guess it's never too early to come up with a birth plan.)
Paige: "I really want to give you a hug, but I'm so mad I'm worried I'll punch you instead!"
Paige: "Mommy! I lost twenty thousand dollars at church!"
Me: "A baboon is not a kind of deer" (She still does not believe me).
5 Years Old
Me: "Stop licking that car!"
Paige: "If you're on Pluto, do not take off your clothes. It is very, very cold!"
Me: (From upstairs) "Paige!"
Paige: (From downstairs) "God? Is that you?"
Paige: "I did the Terry Fox run today, but couldn't run the whole time because I had cancer in my foot, but then it went away." (The previous year I had to explain that Terry Fox was a man, not a fox).
Me: "Even if I don't see you do bad things, Jesus still does."
Paige: "I wish he couldn't see me do that."
Me: "The Bible says to obey your parents."
Paige: "Mine doesn't!"
4 Years Old
Me: "Did the detangling spray taste good?" (The answer was yes, if you are wondering. Also, the people at the poison control call centre are wonderful).
Paige: "What's that?"
Me: "Vanilla"
Paige: "Oh, I thought it was fly spit."
Paige: "What's for supper?"
Me: "Chicken wings, rice and peas."
Paige: "Ewww! Like the stuff that comes out your bum?"
Paige: "This is how you make oranges: You put orange juice in the fridge, then you wait til they're warm, make sure the juice isn't melted, then put peels on them."
Conversations with Elsie
3 Years Old
Me (before her Kung Fu Class): "Go kick some butt."
Elsie: "I don't kick butts. I kick faces."
Me: "Should we have soup for supper?"
Elsie: "Campbell's Soup"
Elsie: "Look! I made da big dipper with my poop!"
Me (filling out school questionnaire): "What do you do when you're hungry?"
Elsie: "Say "ABRACADABRA, turn me into food!"
Me: "Why did you rub ketchup all over yourself?"
Elsie: "Cause it's sticky."
Elsie: "Kitty caught a mouse. HE DIDN'T USE A PLATE!"
Me: "Clean up the living room please."
Elsie: "I can't."
Me: "Why not?"
Elsie: "Cause I'm a little bit shy."
Elsie: "How you pour milk in your boobs?"
Elsie (hands me puked up chicken): "I puked. Can I have chocolate?"
Me: "You don't get chocolate when you puke."
Elsie: "But I don't puke chocolate."
Elsie: "Can I have cheese?"
Me: "We don't have any."
Elsie: "Can I have milk?"
Me: "It's all gone too."
Elsie: "Can we go trick-or-treating?" (It was February).
Me: "I'm going to make supper."
Elsie: What kind?"
Me: "Fish."
Elsie (looking terrified): "Are they gonna wiggle?"
Elsie: "Look! I sittin' in da clean laundry!"
Me: "Why?"
Elsie: "Cause it's safe. Like a potty."
Elsie (in the car): "Honk da horny beeper!"
Elsie: "I wanna see da cows!"
Me: "What cows?"
Elsie: "Da mooooo cows."
Me: "Where?"
Elsie: "At da hoe down!"
Elsie: "I no like dis" (as she hands me my deodorant with bite marks in it).
2 Years Old
Elsie (sneezes): "Dat was a big mouth fart."
Elsie: "Where Hyposis? Hyposis at home. I found Hyposis!" (She has named her toy pony Hypothesis - Typical toddler who watches Dinosaur Train.)
Elsie: "Pecorn peese"
Me: Give her peppercorns, and she happily chews and swallows them (this has happened multiple times. She really likes them!)
Elsie (while pulling on my head): "Git head off!"
Elsie: "Dirdy nana peese" (Dirty banana please)
It's conversations like this that make me wish I could read minds, and see what is going on in those pretty little heads.
7 Years Old
This entire monologue.
Paige: "I just don't know how I would choose!"
Me: "I promise! Mommy and Daddy will never run for President at the same time."
Me: "Come on baby!"
Paige: "I'm not a baby!"
Me: "You were my baby, so you're always my baby."
Paige: "Well, I don't drink out of your boobs anymore!"
Paige: "I want to set-up a video camera in my room to see if the tooth fairy is real."
Me: "You cannot baptize your sister!"
Paige: "Ontario has lots of energy, so THAT's why I'm hyper!"
Paige: "Can we go walk around a graveyard and see if there are any dead people we know?"
Paige: "My mouth hurts. Is it bleeding?"
Me: "No blood. Why does it hurt?"
Paige: "Because I tied a string to my tooth and the bathroom door then kicked it."
Me: "We don't get permanent tattoos in a tent in a parking lot."
6 Years Old
Me: "Are you barking out the window?" (And yes, she and Elsie were barking out the window).
Paige: "Why did the banana want nipples?"
Me: "I don't know. Why?"
Paige: "Because it wanted to be a person."
Paige: "Santa must be a really good hunter because he doesn't talk much and has magic."
Me: "Stop moving the couch with your teeth!"
Me: "Everyone has nipples."
Paige: "Oh. Like my famous nipples?" (I still have no idea why she thinks her nipples are famous)
Paige: "When I have a baby, I want it to come out my bum because cuts aren't very nice!" (I guess it's never too early to come up with a birth plan.)
Paige: "I really want to give you a hug, but I'm so mad I'm worried I'll punch you instead!"
Paige: "Mommy! I lost twenty thousand dollars at church!"
Me: "A baboon is not a kind of deer" (She still does not believe me).
5 Years OldMe: "Stop licking that car!"
Paige: "If you're on Pluto, do not take off your clothes. It is very, very cold!"
Me: (From upstairs) "Paige!"
Paige: (From downstairs) "God? Is that you?"
Paige: "I did the Terry Fox run today, but couldn't run the whole time because I had cancer in my foot, but then it went away." (The previous year I had to explain that Terry Fox was a man, not a fox).
Me: "Even if I don't see you do bad things, Jesus still does."
Paige: "I wish he couldn't see me do that."
Me: "The Bible says to obey your parents."
Paige: "Mine doesn't!"
4 Years Old
Me: "Did the detangling spray taste good?" (The answer was yes, if you are wondering. Also, the people at the poison control call centre are wonderful).
Paige: "What's that?"
Me: "Vanilla"
Paige: "Oh, I thought it was fly spit."
Paige: "What's for supper?"
Me: "Chicken wings, rice and peas."
Paige: "Ewww! Like the stuff that comes out your bum?"
Paige: "This is how you make oranges: You put orange juice in the fridge, then you wait til they're warm, make sure the juice isn't melted, then put peels on them."
Conversations with Elsie
3 Years Old
Me (before her Kung Fu Class): "Go kick some butt."
Elsie: "I don't kick butts. I kick faces."
Me: "Should we have soup for supper?"
Elsie: "Campbell's Soup"
Elsie: "Look! I made da big dipper with my poop!"
Me (filling out school questionnaire): "What do you do when you're hungry?"
Elsie: "Say "ABRACADABRA, turn me into food!"
Me: "Why did you rub ketchup all over yourself?"
Elsie: "Cause it's sticky."
Elsie: "Kitty caught a mouse. HE DIDN'T USE A PLATE!"
Me: "Clean up the living room please."
Elsie: "I can't."
Me: "Why not?"
Elsie: "Cause I'm a little bit shy."
Elsie: "How you pour milk in your boobs?"
Elsie (hands me puked up chicken): "I puked. Can I have chocolate?"
Me: "You don't get chocolate when you puke."
Elsie: "But I don't puke chocolate."
Elsie: "Can I have cheese?"
Me: "We don't have any."
Elsie: "Can I have milk?"
Me: "It's all gone too."
Elsie: "Can we go trick-or-treating?" (It was February).
Me: "I'm going to make supper."
Elsie: What kind?"
Me: "Fish."
Elsie (looking terrified): "Are they gonna wiggle?"
Elsie: "Look! I sittin' in da clean laundry!"
Me: "Why?"
Elsie: "Cause it's safe. Like a potty."
Elsie (in the car): "Honk da horny beeper!"
Elsie: "I wanna see da cows!"
Me: "What cows?"
Elsie: "Da mooooo cows."
Me: "Where?"
Elsie: "At da hoe down!"
Elsie: "I no like dis" (as she hands me my deodorant with bite marks in it).
2 Years Old
Elsie (sneezes): "Dat was a big mouth fart."
Elsie: "Where Hyposis? Hyposis at home. I found Hyposis!" (She has named her toy pony Hypothesis - Typical toddler who watches Dinosaur Train.)
Elsie: "Pecorn peese"
Me: Give her peppercorns, and she happily chews and swallows them (this has happened multiple times. She really likes them!)
Elsie (while pulling on my head): "Git head off!"
Elsie: "Dirdy nana peese" (Dirty banana please)
It's conversations like this that make me wish I could read minds, and see what is going on in those pretty little heads.
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