Things Kids Say

My kids are weird.  It's not an opinion, it is a fact.  Their weirdness frustrates me, amuses me, and confuses me all at the same time.   I've been reflecting on some of the weird conversations we've had, and decided to compile them all in one place so it will be more convenient to embarrass them with when they are older.  Isn't it nice how I plan ahead?  And, I've even updated this!

 Conversations with Paige

7 Years Old

This entire monologue.

Paige:  "I just don't know how I would choose!"
Me:  "I promise!  Mommy and Daddy will never run for President at the same time."

Me:  "Come on baby!"
Paige:  "I'm not a baby!"
Me:  "You were my baby, so you're always my baby."
Paige:  "Well, I don't drink out of your boobs anymore!"

Paige:  "I want to set-up a video camera in my room to see if the tooth fairy is real."

Me:  "You cannot baptize your sister!"

Paige:  "Ontario has lots of energy, so THAT's why I'm hyper!"

Paige:  "Can we go walk around a graveyard and see if there are any dead people we know?"

Paige:  "My mouth hurts.  Is it bleeding?"
Me:  "No blood.  Why does it hurt?"
Paige:  "Because I tied a string to my tooth and the bathroom door then kicked it."

Me:  "We don't get permanent tattoos in a tent in a parking lot."



6 Years Old

Me:  "Are you barking out the window?" (And yes, she and Elsie were barking out the window).

Paige:  "Why did the banana want nipples?"
Me:  "I don't know.  Why?"
Paige:  "Because it wanted to be a person."

Paige:  "Santa must be a really good hunter because he doesn't talk much and has magic."

Me:  "Stop moving the couch with your teeth!"

Me:  "Everyone has nipples."
Paige:  "Oh.  Like my famous nipples?"  (I still have no idea why she thinks her nipples are famous)

Paige:  "When I have a baby, I want it to come out my bum because cuts aren't very nice!"  (I guess it's never too early to come up with a birth plan.)

Paige:  "I really want to give you a hug, but I'm so mad I'm worried I'll punch you instead!"

Paige:  "Mommy!  I lost twenty thousand dollars at church!"

Me:  "A baboon is not a kind of deer" (She still does not believe me).


5 Years Old

Me:  "Stop licking that car!"

Paige:  "If you're on Pluto, do not take off your clothes.  It is very, very cold!"

Me:  (From upstairs) "Paige!"
Paige:  (From downstairs) "God?  Is that you?"

Paige:  "I did the Terry Fox run today, but couldn't run the whole time because I had cancer in my foot, but then it went away."  (The previous year I had to explain that Terry Fox was a man, not a fox).

Me:  "Even if I don't see you do bad things, Jesus still does."
Paige:  "I wish he couldn't see me do that."

Me:  "The Bible says to obey your parents."
Paige:  "Mine doesn't!"







4 Years Old

Me:  "Did the detangling spray taste good?"  (The answer was yes, if you are wondering.  Also, the people at the poison control call centre are wonderful).

Paige:  "What's that?"
Me:  "Vanilla"
Paige:  "Oh, I thought it was fly spit."

Paige:  "What's for supper?"
Me:  "Chicken wings, rice and peas."
Paige:  "Ewww!  Like the stuff that comes out your bum?"

Paige:  "This is how you make oranges:  You put orange juice in the fridge, then you wait til they're warm, make sure the juice isn't melted, then put peels on them."

Conversations with Elsie

3 Years Old

Me (before her Kung Fu Class):  "Go kick some butt."
Elsie:  "I don't kick butts.  I kick faces."

Me:  "Should we have soup for supper?"
Elsie:  "Campbell's Soup"

Elsie:  "Look!  I made da big dipper with my poop!"

Me (filling out school questionnaire):  "What do you do when you're hungry?"
Elsie:  "Say "ABRACADABRA, turn me into food!"

Me:  "Why did you rub ketchup all over yourself?"
Elsie:  "Cause it's sticky."

Elsie:  "Kitty caught a mouse.  HE DIDN'T USE A PLATE!"

Me:  "Clean up the living room please."
Elsie:  "I can't."
Me:  "Why not?"
Elsie:  "Cause I'm a little bit shy."

Elsie:  "How you pour milk in your boobs?"

Elsie (hands me puked up chicken):  "I puked.  Can I have chocolate?"
Me:  "You don't get chocolate when you puke."
Elsie:  "But I don't puke chocolate."

Elsie:  "Can I have cheese?"
Me:  "We don't have any."
Elsie:  "Can I have milk?"
Me:  "It's all gone too."
Elsie:  "Can we go trick-or-treating?" (It was February).

Me:  "I'm going to make supper."
Elsie:  What kind?"
Me:  "Fish."
Elsie (looking terrified):  "Are they gonna wiggle?"

Elsie:  "Look!  I sittin' in da clean laundry!"
Me:  "Why?"
Elsie:  "Cause it's safe.  Like a potty."

Elsie (in the car):  "Honk da horny beeper!"

Elsie:  "I wanna see da cows!"
Me: "What cows?"
Elsie:  "Da mooooo cows."
Me:  "Where?"
Elsie:  "At da hoe down!"

Elsie:  "I no like dis" (as she hands me my deodorant with bite marks in it).

2 Years Old

Elsie (sneezes):  "Dat was a big mouth fart."


Elsie:  "Where Hyposis?  Hyposis at home.  I found Hyposis!"  (She has named her toy pony Hypothesis - Typical toddler who watches Dinosaur Train.)

Elsie:  "Pecorn peese"
Me:  Give her peppercorns, and she happily chews and swallows them (this has happened multiple times.  She really likes them!)

Elsie (while pulling on my head):  "Git head off!"

Elsie:  "Dirdy nana peese"  (Dirty banana please)






It's conversations like this that make me wish I could read minds, and see what is going on in those pretty little heads.