Procrastinating like a pro

I have been working for my current employer for about three years, and I have finally signed up to take a course she has been wanting me to.  Thankfully she understands I have kids, and was kind enough not to push me.  But, thanks to some nudging from my husband, I decided to just do it and get it done.  So I am now signed up for the Canadian Securities Course (and no, I will not be a security guard after).  It consists of two text books, two exams, and a year to complete.  There is no class room, and no one to make sure I've done my homework.  Unfortunately for me, I am not great at self-starting (or finishing - ask my husband how many years ago I started knitting his sweater).  Really it's amazing anything ever gets started or finished in my life. 

But I did start (and have thankfully passed the first exam).

I signed up, got the books, looked at the chapter headings and freaked out.  Because honestly, with chapter headings like "Fixed Income Securities"; "Derivatives"; and "Segregated Funds", what other reaction is to be expected?  I work in a financial business, but we don't deal with half this stuff, and if it's irrelevant to my work, and incredibly boring, I'm not very motivated to learn it.  So I said to myself "suck it up Princess", and started reading. 

So here is my step-by-step guide to studying for unmotivated procrastinators like myself.

1.  Order Supplies (books, audio books, study notes, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol).
2.  Book your exam.
3.  Make a very detailed study calendar giving yourself four days to complete each chapter.
4.  Study hard the first three days so you get ahead of schedule.
5.  Celebrate your hard work by taking a week off.
6.  Re-do your study calendar, giving yourself three days for each remaining chapter.
7.  Study every day for a week.
8.  Get sick for four days.
9.  Re-do your study calendar, giving yourself two days for each remaining chapter.
10.  Study every day for 10 days.
11.  Attend an exam prep course.
12.  Do a mock exam.
13.  Assume you are about to fail.
14.  Write first exam.
15.  Find out you passed the exam.
16.  Realize, "hey that wasn't so bad.  I can do the second one no problem".
17.  Make the keen observation that you work best under pressure.
18.  Book exam for 2 1/2 months later
19.  Take two weeks off before you start studying.
20.  Repeat steps 3 to 6.
21.  Take a month off.
20.  Realize you have one month left before the exam.
21.  Make a wreath with your kid.
22.  Have a Walking Dead marathon.
23.  Join a writer's group.
24.  Start volunteering with your church again.
25.  Realize you are completely crazy, and should maybe re-schedule your exam.
26.  Realize that if you reschedule, you will just do the exact same ridiculous procrastination techniques as before.
27.  Think to yourself, "just do it!"
28.  Start studying tomorrow.

Things Kids Say

My kids are weird.  It's not an opinion, it is a fact.  Their weirdness frustrates me, amuses me, and confuses me all at the same time.   I've been reflecting on some of the weird conversations we've had, and decided to compile them all in one place so it will be more convenient to embarrass them with when they are older.  Isn't it nice how I plan ahead?  And, I've even updated this!

 Conversations with Paige

7 Years Old

This entire monologue.

Paige:  "I just don't know how I would choose!"
Me:  "I promise!  Mommy and Daddy will never run for President at the same time."

Me:  "Come on baby!"
Paige:  "I'm not a baby!"
Me:  "You were my baby, so you're always my baby."
Paige:  "Well, I don't drink out of your boobs anymore!"

Paige:  "I want to set-up a video camera in my room to see if the tooth fairy is real."

Me:  "You cannot baptize your sister!"

Paige:  "Ontario has lots of energy, so THAT's why I'm hyper!"

Paige:  "Can we go walk around a graveyard and see if there are any dead people we know?"

Paige:  "My mouth hurts.  Is it bleeding?"
Me:  "No blood.  Why does it hurt?"
Paige:  "Because I tied a string to my tooth and the bathroom door then kicked it."

Me:  "We don't get permanent tattoos in a tent in a parking lot."



6 Years Old

Me:  "Are you barking out the window?" (And yes, she and Elsie were barking out the window).

Paige:  "Why did the banana want nipples?"
Me:  "I don't know.  Why?"
Paige:  "Because it wanted to be a person."

Paige:  "Santa must be a really good hunter because he doesn't talk much and has magic."

Me:  "Stop moving the couch with your teeth!"

Me:  "Everyone has nipples."
Paige:  "Oh.  Like my famous nipples?"  (I still have no idea why she thinks her nipples are famous)

Paige:  "When I have a baby, I want it to come out my bum because cuts aren't very nice!"  (I guess it's never too early to come up with a birth plan.)

Paige:  "I really want to give you a hug, but I'm so mad I'm worried I'll punch you instead!"

Paige:  "Mommy!  I lost twenty thousand dollars at church!"

Me:  "A baboon is not a kind of deer" (She still does not believe me).


5 Years Old

Me:  "Stop licking that car!"

Paige:  "If you're on Pluto, do not take off your clothes.  It is very, very cold!"

Me:  (From upstairs) "Paige!"
Paige:  (From downstairs) "God?  Is that you?"

Paige:  "I did the Terry Fox run today, but couldn't run the whole time because I had cancer in my foot, but then it went away."  (The previous year I had to explain that Terry Fox was a man, not a fox).

Me:  "Even if I don't see you do bad things, Jesus still does."
Paige:  "I wish he couldn't see me do that."

Me:  "The Bible says to obey your parents."
Paige:  "Mine doesn't!"







4 Years Old

Me:  "Did the detangling spray taste good?"  (The answer was yes, if you are wondering.  Also, the people at the poison control call centre are wonderful).

Paige:  "What's that?"
Me:  "Vanilla"
Paige:  "Oh, I thought it was fly spit."

Paige:  "What's for supper?"
Me:  "Chicken wings, rice and peas."
Paige:  "Ewww!  Like the stuff that comes out your bum?"

Paige:  "This is how you make oranges:  You put orange juice in the fridge, then you wait til they're warm, make sure the juice isn't melted, then put peels on them."

Conversations with Elsie

3 Years Old

Me (before her Kung Fu Class):  "Go kick some butt."
Elsie:  "I don't kick butts.  I kick faces."

Me:  "Should we have soup for supper?"
Elsie:  "Campbell's Soup"

Elsie:  "Look!  I made da big dipper with my poop!"

Me (filling out school questionnaire):  "What do you do when you're hungry?"
Elsie:  "Say "ABRACADABRA, turn me into food!"

Me:  "Why did you rub ketchup all over yourself?"
Elsie:  "Cause it's sticky."

Elsie:  "Kitty caught a mouse.  HE DIDN'T USE A PLATE!"

Me:  "Clean up the living room please."
Elsie:  "I can't."
Me:  "Why not?"
Elsie:  "Cause I'm a little bit shy."

Elsie:  "How you pour milk in your boobs?"

Elsie (hands me puked up chicken):  "I puked.  Can I have chocolate?"
Me:  "You don't get chocolate when you puke."
Elsie:  "But I don't puke chocolate."

Elsie:  "Can I have cheese?"
Me:  "We don't have any."
Elsie:  "Can I have milk?"
Me:  "It's all gone too."
Elsie:  "Can we go trick-or-treating?" (It was February).

Me:  "I'm going to make supper."
Elsie:  What kind?"
Me:  "Fish."
Elsie (looking terrified):  "Are they gonna wiggle?"

Elsie:  "Look!  I sittin' in da clean laundry!"
Me:  "Why?"
Elsie:  "Cause it's safe.  Like a potty."

Elsie (in the car):  "Honk da horny beeper!"

Elsie:  "I wanna see da cows!"
Me: "What cows?"
Elsie:  "Da mooooo cows."
Me:  "Where?"
Elsie:  "At da hoe down!"

Elsie:  "I no like dis" (as she hands me my deodorant with bite marks in it).

2 Years Old

Elsie (sneezes):  "Dat was a big mouth fart."


Elsie:  "Where Hyposis?  Hyposis at home.  I found Hyposis!"  (She has named her toy pony Hypothesis - Typical toddler who watches Dinosaur Train.)

Elsie:  "Pecorn peese"
Me:  Give her peppercorns, and she happily chews and swallows them (this has happened multiple times.  She really likes them!)

Elsie (while pulling on my head):  "Git head off!"

Elsie:  "Dirdy nana peese"  (Dirty banana please)






It's conversations like this that make me wish I could read minds, and see what is going on in those pretty little heads.

My dog died last night...

The girls were in bed.  The house was quiet.  Too quiet...

I get up to get myself a tasty beverage, and step over the dog.  My foot brushes him.

Something is not right.  His body is too still. His leg is sticking up in an unnatural position.

I squat beside him.  Put my hand on his chest.  No movement can be felt.  His heavy breathing has stilled.  He is much too quiet.

I scratch his head - no reaction.

 

I shake him - nothing

 

I shake him violently, and yell his name - he remains still.  Too still.

 

It hits me.  My dog is dead!

My mind starts racing.  My husband is gone for the week - how do I break it to him?  How do I tell my children?  What do I do with the body?  Who do I call for help?

I breathe deeply, trying to hold in my grief.  Apparently I loved this slobbering oaf more than I realized.

I get up from beside his still body, trying to remain calm.  I search for the phone, having decided to call my brother-in-law for help. 

Before I dial, something compels me to turn around.  And there, sitting and staring at me in complete silence is the dog, very much not dead.

I squeal in delight, pet him, tell him what a good boy he is, and give him a treat simply for being alive.

But as I reflect, I wonder - is he really alive?  Or are zombies real, and a canine version is living in my house.

Beyond the chippy door...

The birds are chirping, the grass has been cut - spring is really here!  And with spring comes the beginning of yard sale season.  I'm assuming all other thrift-loving people are as overjoyed as I am.  My house is full of furniture, so I have to pass up on many adorable pieces I see, even if they are a bargain.  Instead, I am hunting for yellow china, and wall art (otherwise known as things that are cheap, and won't add to the clutter - and no, tea cups ARE NOT clutter).

So far this year, my finds have been windows.  I don't know why people are selling their awesome old windows, and I especially don't know why they are selling them for so cheap.  They obviously don't spend enough time on Pinterest, or they would either keep them or charge more.  But them having better things to do than spend a day on Pinterest benefits me, so I won't complain too much.

So far this month I have scored three windows, and spent a total of $4.50 on them.  But getting the windows is the easy part.  Deciding which genius idea to do with them is difficult.  And I am on a time crunch.  Last year I got a free door, and the agreement my husband I came up with was I had two weeks to do something with it, or my sister would get it.  I now use that rule for all my DIY project finds - meaning I have one more week to come up with something for my last window, - any ideas???   If I don't come up with something, my sister will get it, do something genius, blog about it, and make my windows look pitiful.

My first score was $0.50.  It's actually a door, not a window, but same idea.  I was surprised to see anything left at a yard sale after noon let alone a cute little door.  I need to finish this one still (meaning I need to find a sharpie, because I know I have one somewhere, and I really hope I find it before my toddler does).  I have a plan.  I have everything ready.  I just need my sharpie!  Perhaps I will share the finished product at a later date (if I find that sharpie).
 
 
My next score was from a much anticipated yard sale.  The signs were up three weeks before hand, making me think it would be the ultimate treasure trove of old wonderful junk.  The day arrived, and the girls and I went.  It wasn't as big as I hoped, but I did score. 

 
I would have missed the windows completely, except I went to investigate a $10-beautiful-beaten
-chippypaint-itwouldmakemyissterjealous-door.  I had no intention of buying it, since I already have one as a decoration, and once we do renovations will have two or three more to play with. 

But beyond the chippy door, were the windows.  Dirty, and cracked, and leaning up against a tree trunk like they were pieces of junk.

"How much?"
"Two dollars each."

I know you should negotiate at garage sales, but seriously?  $2 each?  And for that size of window?  I gave her four dollars before she could change her mind.


And then I tried to carry two windows home while pushing a stroller.  That lasted three feet before I asked if I could come back with the car in five minutes.

The rest of the trip home was uneventful.  But upon arrival, I got to work immediately - I needed to prove that I would use them.

The place above my piano was desperately in need of something.  Luckily one of the windows is a lovely size of something.  The next dilemma was deciding what to put in it.

My first attempt was an old map that was left in a closet from a previous owner of our home. 

But I wasn't happy with it.  I love old maps.  I think they're interesting, and beautiful.  But this one didn't have enough colour.  I googled free printable maps, but no luck.  But in google world, I found www.thegraphicsfairy.com, and discovered a new happy place!  You can't always get an old map, but you can get vintage seed magazine type prints!  And frankly, if you're trying to decorate cheaply, you take what you can get.

So if you have any artwork needs, check out that site.  It has tons of awesome stuff - you could decorate your kitchen just with vintage mushroom prints (which would be adorable). 

It was not a complicated process to make this.  But in the interest of putting more words in a blog, here is how I did it.

1.  Print around 15 pictures you like - trim them if necessary.
2.  Use 8 of them, because you don't plan ahead, and didn't know how many you would use.
3.  Arrange them the way you like.
4.  Tape them together, and then to the back of the window.  Try to place the tape so it won't be seen.
5.  Raid your fabric stash and find something you like.
6.  Cut a piece of it - don't iron it, you don't have time for that and it will throw off your crafting flow.
7.  Stretch the fabric, and use thumbtacks to keep it in place.
8.  Set it where you want it, and enjoy your new $2 artwork.

I like the colours, I like the price, and I really like the prints.  I may change it again in the future, but for now it makes me happy, and isn't that the purpose of our decorations?

If you are a fellow thrifter, check out my sister's Thrift Blitz episodes, and join in the fun.  If you are not a thrifter, you have no idea the fun you are missing.