There's Nothing New in this World - or is there?

You know that saying, "there's nothing new in the world"?  Well, it's not true.  I came up with a completely absolutely brand new idea, that no one else has ever thought of.  I know this because I spent three minutes searching on google, and we all know if something does not show up on the first screen of google, IT DOES NOT EXIST!

So, dear world (or three readers who happen to find this), I present to you -

CLEANERCIZING!!!

Since this is a completely absolutely brand new idea that no one else has ever thought of, I will provide complete details on how to keep up with this new trend.  FOR FREE!  TODAY!!!

If you send me just 5 payments of $50, I will send you a paper copy of the instructions below, plus a package of random stuff, and YOU TOO can be an exclusive CLEANERCIZER!

For JUST 5 payments of $100, I will include all of the above, plus a CLEANERCIZE hat! 

Really, if you send me money, I promise to send you something back.

Please find below, as promised, the complete CLEANERCIZE method!!!  It is available for a limited time only (the life of this blog, or the life of the internet, whichever ends first), so act fast, so YOU TOO can be an official CLEANERCIZER!

CLEANERCIZE Tutorial

1.  Decide your house is at the point where cleaning is inevitable (aka - you have no clean clothes or dishes, and you cannot find the remote control).
2.  Try to convince your children to clean the house.
3.  Fail.
4.  Suck it up, and get off your butt.
5.  Pick your background music (something you thought was awesome when you were in high school is ideal).
6.  Sing loudly.
7.  Shake your body.
8.  Stop whenever an adult walks in the room.  You know you're sexy, and it will be too much for the other adult to handle.  Be respectful.  CLEANERCIZING is a personal endeavour.
9.  Try all those awesome new dance moves you've been thinking of.
10.  Dance until the cleaning is done.

CLEANERCIZE FAQs

Q:  Who should sign up for CLEANERCIZE?

A:  Anyone who hates cleaning and exercise.  Because if you hate them both, the obvious solution is combining them into one incredibly empowering experience!

Q:  How did you come up with a completely absolutely brand new idea that no one else has ever thought of?

A:  One evening, I was in the kitchen cleaning.  It sucked.  I turned on music, starting dancing like an idiot while cleaning, and thought "I should call this CLEANERCIZING and write a blog post about it, because this has clearly never been done before."

Q:  Shouldn't it be spelled cleanercise?

A:  Yes.  But you will find that on google, and I wanted a completely absolutely brand new idea that no one else has ever thought of.

Q:  Can I target problem areas of my body with this method?

A:  Absolutely!  Whichever area of your body you would like to work on, just move that more.  Want to tone your butt?  Shake it!  Want to find some abs?  Clean while hula hooping (if you include a video of yourself doing this in the comments, I will give you 5% of the profits made from this post).  The options are endless!

Q:  How many calories does it burn?

A:  All of them!  If you follow this program, you will find that since the cleaning is never done, the CLEANERCIZING is never done, therefore you will Never Ever stop!

Q:  Why do you call it CLEANERCIZE instead of cleanercize?

A:  Obviously things that are written in all caps are much more official and exciting.  To read it properly, imagine the sham-wow infomercial man yelling "CLEANERCIZE" at you.  Now re-read the entire post, with Mr. Sham-wow's voice in your head.

Now tell me you're not ready to send me $250!

Disclaimer:  Any resemblance between CLEANERCIZE and any existing exercise program is purely a result of me not researching completely.  But I doubt your business will be threatened because of this blog post.  If it is, you may need to start looking into another line of work.

Procrastinating like a pro

I have been working for my current employer for about three years, and I have finally signed up to take a course she has been wanting me to.  Thankfully she understands I have kids, and was kind enough not to push me.  But, thanks to some nudging from my husband, I decided to just do it and get it done.  So I am now signed up for the Canadian Securities Course (and no, I will not be a security guard after).  It consists of two text books, two exams, and a year to complete.  There is no class room, and no one to make sure I've done my homework.  Unfortunately for me, I am not great at self-starting (or finishing - ask my husband how many years ago I started knitting his sweater).  Really it's amazing anything ever gets started or finished in my life. 

But I did start (and have thankfully passed the first exam).

I signed up, got the books, looked at the chapter headings and freaked out.  Because honestly, with chapter headings like "Fixed Income Securities"; "Derivatives"; and "Segregated Funds", what other reaction is to be expected?  I work in a financial business, but we don't deal with half this stuff, and if it's irrelevant to my work, and incredibly boring, I'm not very motivated to learn it.  So I said to myself "suck it up Princess", and started reading. 

So here is my step-by-step guide to studying for unmotivated procrastinators like myself.

1.  Order Supplies (books, audio books, study notes, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol).
2.  Book your exam.
3.  Make a very detailed study calendar giving yourself four days to complete each chapter.
4.  Study hard the first three days so you get ahead of schedule.
5.  Celebrate your hard work by taking a week off.
6.  Re-do your study calendar, giving yourself three days for each remaining chapter.
7.  Study every day for a week.
8.  Get sick for four days.
9.  Re-do your study calendar, giving yourself two days for each remaining chapter.
10.  Study every day for 10 days.
11.  Attend an exam prep course.
12.  Do a mock exam.
13.  Assume you are about to fail.
14.  Write first exam.
15.  Find out you passed the exam.
16.  Realize, "hey that wasn't so bad.  I can do the second one no problem".
17.  Make the keen observation that you work best under pressure.
18.  Book exam for 2 1/2 months later
19.  Take two weeks off before you start studying.
20.  Repeat steps 3 to 6.
21.  Take a month off.
20.  Realize you have one month left before the exam.
21.  Make a wreath with your kid.
22.  Have a Walking Dead marathon.
23.  Join a writer's group.
24.  Start volunteering with your church again.
25.  Realize you are completely crazy, and should maybe re-schedule your exam.
26.  Realize that if you reschedule, you will just do the exact same ridiculous procrastination techniques as before.
27.  Think to yourself, "just do it!"
28.  Start studying tomorrow.

Things Kids Say

My kids are weird.  It's not an opinion, it is a fact.  Their weirdness frustrates me, amuses me, and confuses me all at the same time.   I've been reflecting on some of the weird conversations we've had, and decided to compile them all in one place so it will be more convenient to embarrass them with when they are older.  Isn't it nice how I plan ahead?  And, I've even updated this!

 Conversations with Paige

7 Years Old

This entire monologue.

Paige:  "I just don't know how I would choose!"
Me:  "I promise!  Mommy and Daddy will never run for President at the same time."

Me:  "Come on baby!"
Paige:  "I'm not a baby!"
Me:  "You were my baby, so you're always my baby."
Paige:  "Well, I don't drink out of your boobs anymore!"

Paige:  "I want to set-up a video camera in my room to see if the tooth fairy is real."

Me:  "You cannot baptize your sister!"

Paige:  "Ontario has lots of energy, so THAT's why I'm hyper!"

Paige:  "Can we go walk around a graveyard and see if there are any dead people we know?"

Paige:  "My mouth hurts.  Is it bleeding?"
Me:  "No blood.  Why does it hurt?"
Paige:  "Because I tied a string to my tooth and the bathroom door then kicked it."

Me:  "We don't get permanent tattoos in a tent in a parking lot."



6 Years Old

Me:  "Are you barking out the window?" (And yes, she and Elsie were barking out the window).

Paige:  "Why did the banana want nipples?"
Me:  "I don't know.  Why?"
Paige:  "Because it wanted to be a person."

Paige:  "Santa must be a really good hunter because he doesn't talk much and has magic."

Me:  "Stop moving the couch with your teeth!"

Me:  "Everyone has nipples."
Paige:  "Oh.  Like my famous nipples?"  (I still have no idea why she thinks her nipples are famous)

Paige:  "When I have a baby, I want it to come out my bum because cuts aren't very nice!"  (I guess it's never too early to come up with a birth plan.)

Paige:  "I really want to give you a hug, but I'm so mad I'm worried I'll punch you instead!"

Paige:  "Mommy!  I lost twenty thousand dollars at church!"

Me:  "A baboon is not a kind of deer" (She still does not believe me).


5 Years Old

Me:  "Stop licking that car!"

Paige:  "If you're on Pluto, do not take off your clothes.  It is very, very cold!"

Me:  (From upstairs) "Paige!"
Paige:  (From downstairs) "God?  Is that you?"

Paige:  "I did the Terry Fox run today, but couldn't run the whole time because I had cancer in my foot, but then it went away."  (The previous year I had to explain that Terry Fox was a man, not a fox).

Me:  "Even if I don't see you do bad things, Jesus still does."
Paige:  "I wish he couldn't see me do that."

Me:  "The Bible says to obey your parents."
Paige:  "Mine doesn't!"







4 Years Old

Me:  "Did the detangling spray taste good?"  (The answer was yes, if you are wondering.  Also, the people at the poison control call centre are wonderful).

Paige:  "What's that?"
Me:  "Vanilla"
Paige:  "Oh, I thought it was fly spit."

Paige:  "What's for supper?"
Me:  "Chicken wings, rice and peas."
Paige:  "Ewww!  Like the stuff that comes out your bum?"

Paige:  "This is how you make oranges:  You put orange juice in the fridge, then you wait til they're warm, make sure the juice isn't melted, then put peels on them."

Conversations with Elsie

3 Years Old

Me (before her Kung Fu Class):  "Go kick some butt."
Elsie:  "I don't kick butts.  I kick faces."

Me:  "Should we have soup for supper?"
Elsie:  "Campbell's Soup"

Elsie:  "Look!  I made da big dipper with my poop!"

Me (filling out school questionnaire):  "What do you do when you're hungry?"
Elsie:  "Say "ABRACADABRA, turn me into food!"

Me:  "Why did you rub ketchup all over yourself?"
Elsie:  "Cause it's sticky."

Elsie:  "Kitty caught a mouse.  HE DIDN'T USE A PLATE!"

Me:  "Clean up the living room please."
Elsie:  "I can't."
Me:  "Why not?"
Elsie:  "Cause I'm a little bit shy."

Elsie:  "How you pour milk in your boobs?"

Elsie (hands me puked up chicken):  "I puked.  Can I have chocolate?"
Me:  "You don't get chocolate when you puke."
Elsie:  "But I don't puke chocolate."

Elsie:  "Can I have cheese?"
Me:  "We don't have any."
Elsie:  "Can I have milk?"
Me:  "It's all gone too."
Elsie:  "Can we go trick-or-treating?" (It was February).

Me:  "I'm going to make supper."
Elsie:  What kind?"
Me:  "Fish."
Elsie (looking terrified):  "Are they gonna wiggle?"

Elsie:  "Look!  I sittin' in da clean laundry!"
Me:  "Why?"
Elsie:  "Cause it's safe.  Like a potty."

Elsie (in the car):  "Honk da horny beeper!"

Elsie:  "I wanna see da cows!"
Me: "What cows?"
Elsie:  "Da mooooo cows."
Me:  "Where?"
Elsie:  "At da hoe down!"

Elsie:  "I no like dis" (as she hands me my deodorant with bite marks in it).

2 Years Old

Elsie (sneezes):  "Dat was a big mouth fart."


Elsie:  "Where Hyposis?  Hyposis at home.  I found Hyposis!"  (She has named her toy pony Hypothesis - Typical toddler who watches Dinosaur Train.)

Elsie:  "Pecorn peese"
Me:  Give her peppercorns, and she happily chews and swallows them (this has happened multiple times.  She really likes them!)

Elsie (while pulling on my head):  "Git head off!"

Elsie:  "Dirdy nana peese"  (Dirty banana please)






It's conversations like this that make me wish I could read minds, and see what is going on in those pretty little heads.

My dog died last night...

The girls were in bed.  The house was quiet.  Too quiet...

I get up to get myself a tasty beverage, and step over the dog.  My foot brushes him.

Something is not right.  His body is too still. His leg is sticking up in an unnatural position.

I squat beside him.  Put my hand on his chest.  No movement can be felt.  His heavy breathing has stilled.  He is much too quiet.

I scratch his head - no reaction.

 

I shake him - nothing

 

I shake him violently, and yell his name - he remains still.  Too still.

 

It hits me.  My dog is dead!

My mind starts racing.  My husband is gone for the week - how do I break it to him?  How do I tell my children?  What do I do with the body?  Who do I call for help?

I breathe deeply, trying to hold in my grief.  Apparently I loved this slobbering oaf more than I realized.

I get up from beside his still body, trying to remain calm.  I search for the phone, having decided to call my brother-in-law for help. 

Before I dial, something compels me to turn around.  And there, sitting and staring at me in complete silence is the dog, very much not dead.

I squeal in delight, pet him, tell him what a good boy he is, and give him a treat simply for being alive.

But as I reflect, I wonder - is he really alive?  Or are zombies real, and a canine version is living in my house.